Am I in Control or is I AM?

Control equals power! Or as the word is defined, “to have power over.” It must be human nature to want to control things, people, or outcomes, because so many of us work countless hours to do just that.

I’ve tried to control everything from what people think of me to the weather (yes, the weather). And I do not have the power to control either of those things or anything in between. When it all boils down I only have control over my thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. And at times even my behavior has been out of control!

Have you ever been responsible for a toddler? It’s the best way to demonstrate our lack of control or our powerlessness. You can put clothes on a toddler, but you cannot control whether or not they keep them on. You can prepare food for a toddler, but you cannot control whether or not they eat it. You can tell a toddler to “come here,” but my, oh my, you surely cannot make them come.

False control is really what we are all dealing with…like me thinking I could actually control the weather. Maybe I didn’t really think I could control it, but I surely have tried to ‘will it’ to be sunny on the weekends!

The holidays seem to bring about an even greater desire to control people and events. We spend time, energy, and money selecting the perfect gift for each of our loved ones, only to be disappointed when their reaction in opening the gift wasn’t as BIG as we hoped it would be. Or maybe that amazing new dessert or appetizer you found on Pintrest, that you worked hours to recreate, didn’t get the accolades or praise you had anticipated.

I was reading a passage in the book of Exodus this morning. You may be familiar with the story of the burning bush in chapter 3. Moses was going about his daily routine, tending to the flock of his father-in-law; when suddenly an angel of the LORD appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses noticed that this bush was on fire, but it was not being consumed, so he moved a little closer.

Suddenly, Moses’s life was interrupted. He found himself going in a different direction than he had planned. You see, Moses (a Hebrew) was adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter, raised as royalty, killed an Egyptian, was pursued by Pharaoh (who wanted to kill him), ran away to Midian, got married and became a shepherd. (See Exodus 2 for the full story).

Back to chapter 3…from the burning bush, God tells Moses, “the cry of my people has reached me…now go, I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people (Israel) out of Egypt.” Wait! What! (Can’t you just hear Moses saying that?)

Moses protested, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh?” Did you forget that he wants to kill me? “Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” I’m a misfit, LORD, neither Hebrew nor Egyptian?

God says, “I’ll be with you.” Moses still unsure, protest again, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?” God replied to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you.”

Moses had no control over the people of Israel or how they would react to him. Moses had no control over Pharaoh’s decision to let God’s people go. Moses had no real control from the beginning of his life…his parents gave him up for adoption, although they did it to save him. Moses had no control over who raised him, although he grew up quite wealthy. And yet, both of these events shaped who he was and trained him for what was to come. Moses had no control over when, where or how God called him to this mission, and yet he did have control over his decision to follow or not.

Like Moses, there is truly very little that I have control over. Will my job continue until I’m ready to retire? Will the meringue turn out right for my banana pudding this time? Will my husband like the gift I painstakingly picked out for his Christmas present? Will my daughters like all of the items in their stockings? Will the ladies class enjoy the lesson I’ve prepared? Will the traffic be horrible when we head to Nashville tomorrow afternoon?

The answer to that last question is almost a guaranteed ‘yes,’ but how I react to it is the real question. How I react to all of those situations is the real question. In Celebrate Recovery terms, I think it’s time to revisit Principle 1, “Realize I am not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.” “Happy are those who know that they are spiritually poor.” – Matthew 5:3a

What are you still trying to control? Where do we start in our quest to stop trying to control everything? Maybe start by making a list of all the people, events, or outcomes you are trying to control. Putting things in writing is a great way to bring to light what you already know, but have not yet been willing to accept.

I often have to remind myself that like Moses, I am not in control, but the great I AM is, and He is so very much better at it than I am.

Help My Unbelief

We live our lives rushing through each day as if we know what is coming next. When in fact, if we actually knew what was coming next, we might curl up in bed vowing never to get out of it.

We work, we play, we plan, and especially growing up in American culture, we live life with expectancy. We expect to wake up the next morning, we expect to work with our employer until we are ready to retire or we choose to move on. We plan our vacations with expectancy of fun and relaxation. We go to the doctor for a check up with the expectation that all is well.

Working as a recruiter, I talk with a lot of people who suddenly find themselves unemployed. Most of them didn’t deserve the lay-off, it’s just that the company went in a different direction and had to make some tough decisions. The company’s survival was not dependent on the individual’s survival, but perhaps the individual’s survival was dependent on the company, at least financially.

I’ve seen the unexpected severance package be delivered to my friends and co-workers recently, and it is difficult to watch. I’ve boldly shared this statement over the years, “[The Company] is not in business to make sure Jill Spry has a job that she loves in the town where she wants to live.” While this statement is true, the hurt, sting, and fear are also very, very real when you find yourself in this unexpected situation. I have been blessed so far in my career, but I am keenly aware of the possibility. I have faith that the Holy Creator will provide all my needs, whether through this job or another. Yet, the human side of me cries out “help my unbelief!”

There are so many areas in our lives where fear takes hold and consumes us from time to time. Even when we know, “all things work together for good for those who love the Lord” Romans 8:28. Four years ago, our youngest daughter broke her arm. Little did we know, following some test, we would be facing an aneurysmal bone cyst (tumor). Thank God, the tumor was benign, but this set the course for semi-annual, then annual x-rays to ensure there was no new presence of the bone-eating tumor, that consumed most of her humerus.

Recently, following her annual check-up in March, we left with another thumbs-up sign from the doctor. Yet, a few weeks later, we received a call from her office that radiology recommends a repeat of the x-ray in three months. With all the faith we can muster, we go this Thursday, with the expectation of another thumbs-up. But, I have to admit; the human side of me is crying to our Father, “help my unbelief.”

Our oldest daughter is making grand plans to follow her calling to work with orphans in Africa. Much planning and fund raising have already taken place. Yet, paperwork snafus have occurred and the timing is uncertain. Hearing the “call” and not being able to move full steam ahead can become disheartening at best. This calling may or may not end up looking exactly as she has envisioned. With faith in a good, good Father, she continues to make plans to go. “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief,” Mark 9:24.

In the Bible, Mark chapter 9, we read that even the disciples, those closest to Jesus, struggled from time to time with their faith. The story tells of a father with a demon-possessed son, who came to the disciples seeking healing. He likely had heard of Jesus and the disciples and all of the healings and other miracles being performed. And yet, living with his son’s struggle for many years, he likely had doubt that true healing could actually be possible.

The father brought his son to the disciples, who couldn’t cast out the demon. A crowd gathered, and Jesus came over to check out the situation. In verse 19, he rebuked their lack of faith, “You faithless people, how long must I be with you?” He then asked that the boy be brought to him. Jesus asked how long has this been happening, and the father replied, “Since he was a little boy.” The father expounded, “The spirit often throws him into the fire or into the water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”

Sound familiar? “If you can.” A friend of mine recently gave me a gift, a bracelet with a cross. Inside the cross is a tiny mustard seed. It is a constant reminder of Matthew 17:20, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Wow! Sometimes my faith must be a fourth of a mustard seed, or an eighth, or a hundredth of a mustard seed.

The story from Mark 9 continues on to share that the boy was indeed healed. The disciples later asked Jesus, “Why couldn’t we cast out that evil spirit?” And Jesus replied, “This kind can be cast out only by prayer.” (Note: some versions include fasting.)

Praying with faith isn’t always easy for me. I’d actually rather just submit my wish list, just like I have on Amazon. “God, here is how I’d like this situation to turn out, please and thank you.” Praying with faith and expectancy also must include a prayer for God’s will. I love this verse from Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

My therapist would often use a phrase with me whenever I was voicing a concern about something in the future. He’d shrug and say, “Maybe, maybe not.” My job may or may not be secure, our youngest daughter’s tumor may or may not return, and our oldest daughter’s path to an African orphanage may or may not look very different than she planned. But I know one thing is for certain, His ways are far better than mine. And for all the unexpected hurdles to come into my life, I will pray: LORD, I believe, help my unbelief.

Walk in the Light

I woke up early and enjoyed a breakfast of bacon and Belgian waffles, poolside with my husband. We prayed for a peaceful day. A time and a place where my Step Study Sisters would feel welcomed, comfortable, and safe.

I cleaned around the pool and made sure the slide, or as I refer to it, “the fountain” was running well. I strategically placed our plastic Adirondack chairs with footstools and side tables underneath the shade of the trees in the tree line to the left side of our home.  I fluffed the cushions and put them carefully on the faux wicker furniture that adorns our front porch.

Flowers were watered and candles were lit. I turned the televisions in both the den and sunroom to “The Message” satellite radio station, and turned the volume down to a background noise level. I placed my Bluetooth speaker out by the pool and tuned in my “Worship” playlist, trying to set the tone, and create quaint areas inside and outside conducive to prayer, meditation, reflection, and writing.

At my request, my husband even led our horses into their stalls, in the event that a sweet sister needed to share a hurt, habit, or hang-up in complete safety and confidence with a four-legged critter, knowing that our horses would never gossip.

Finally, food was set out and I awaited our guest. Why all these preparations? Well, you see, our Step Study Group is working on Step 4. And I wanted this day, this mini-retreat of sorts, to be a safe, comfortable and welcoming place for them to do the hard work. Working alone and independently, yet with loving sisters near-by.

Step 4: “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40 NIV

Lessons 9-11 in Book 2 are what our Ministry Leader refers to as the “pick and shovel” work. We are preparing for Step 8 as we move into the final two books of our Step Study.

Step 8: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV

Some people may wonder why on earth would we want to dig so deep into our past and bring up all of the hurts others had done to us or remind ourselves of the hurt we may have caused others. One of my favorite sayings in Celebrate Recovery sort of explains the why, “we are only as sick as our secrets.” If we have hurts, events, or emotions in our past that we never really dealt with; but rather just tucked away to forget about, odds are we really haven’t forgotten them at all, much less dealt with any of these hurts. We may have even built up resentment towards these people or events that effect our present day behaviors.

This “pick and shovel” work, this digging deep into our past, this working through our hurts allows God’s Spirit to reveal in us the things He wants us to leave behind. This act of writing it all down and then sharing it with our Sponsor, brings about the healing that James, the brother of Jesus, tells us about in James 5:16:

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

I love this verse so much. We may have already been forgiven of our hurts, habits, or hang-ups (sins), but perhaps we haven’t confessed these hurts, habits, or hang-ups to someone we trust, and therefore haven’t enjoyed the freedom that comes through healing.

I am so proud of the ladies in our Step Study Group. They came to the mini-retreat to work. They came to prepare for the healing they are about to receive as they complete Principle Four:

“Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.”

These ladies inspire me to continue to dig deep and discover any hurts I may have repressed or overlooked from my previous Step Studies. Just as the Bible is the living word, continually working through the 12-Steps and 8-Principles of Celebrate Recovery brings about the continuous healing of Jesus.

As the beloved disciple says in 1 John 1:7:

“If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, purifies us from all sin.”

A huge shout out and thank you to my Step Study Sisters for the blessings of our mini-retreat this past Saturday. Keep walking in the light my sweet sisters!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I’m a huge Tom Petty fan. My husband treated me to tickets to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers 40^th Anniversary concert tour in Nashville for my birthday last year. We attended in April 2017, Tom passed away in October of that same year. I have many favorite TP songs, including The Waiting. The chorus goes like this:

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

I’m fairly sure the song applies to finding that just right person in your life, but I think the chorus resonates in all areas of our lives…

·      Waiting to graduate

·      Waiting to find a spouse

·      Waiting to have a baby

·      Waiting on the results of a test

·      Waiting on the outcome of an interview

·      Waiting in line at the grocery store

·      Waiting for the trial you’re in the midst of to pass

I’ve been co-leading my third Celebrate Recovery Step Study this year. We began in March and will likely go through the end of the year. We are currently in the midst of writing our Moral and Spiritual Inventories. For those of you familiar with recovery, you know the inventory step is a hard one. For those of you who aren’t familiar, it is simply about evaluating your life…the good and the bad, and making a list of harms or hurts you’ve done to others or that have been done to you. But, it also includes all of the good stuff you’ve done.

This step, like healing in recovery, takes time. It’s a process. I mean, most good things do take time don’t they? Getting to the good stuff is a process…like homemade ice cream or learning to swim the freestyle gracefully (and without sucking water into your lungs). Okay, maybe those examples are just important to me, but surely you get my drift.

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “Good things come to those who wait,” or you maybe remember the 80’s Heinz “anticipation” commercial. Waiting isn’t much fun, but there are over 70 verses in the Bible that refer to patience as a virtue.  Yet, most of us pray, “Lord, give me patience…and give it to me now!”

The fact is the healing of a hurt, the overcoming of a habit, and the recognition of a hang-up takes time. Knowing which path to choose takes faith, trust, and waiting. We use a lot of phrases or clichés, if you will, in Celebrate Recovery and one of my favorites is, “Don’t quit before you get your miracle.”

Waiting is hard, y’all! We live in a microwave, instant pudding kind of culture. And we rarely have to wait for anything at all. Waiting does not mean idleness. Active waiting has to do with simply doing the next right thing. Here are some passages of scripture that help me when I’m in a season of waiting:

I love this passage of scripture from Isaiah 40:31

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

And another favorite is Romans 12:12

 

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Constant in prayer! That is it! That’s how we wait. Even Tom Petty said, “You take it on faith.” Waiting, like life, really shouldn’t be done alone. What is it you are going through right now? Who can you reach out to for support? Who can wait alongside you in this trial?

I’ll leave you with words of our Father from Hebrews 13:5

            I will never leave you nor forsake you.

You, my friend, are not alone. I sit here waiting with you.