Help My Unbelief

We live our lives rushing through each day as if we know what is coming next. When in fact, if we actually knew what was coming next, we might curl up in bed vowing never to get out of it.

We work, we play, we plan, and especially growing up in American culture, we live life with expectancy. We expect to wake up the next morning, we expect to work with our employer until we are ready to retire or we choose to move on. We plan our vacations with expectancy of fun and relaxation. We go to the doctor for a check up with the expectation that all is well.

Working as a recruiter, I talk with a lot of people who suddenly find themselves unemployed. Most of them didn’t deserve the lay-off, it’s just that the company went in a different direction and had to make some tough decisions. The company’s survival was not dependent on the individual’s survival, but perhaps the individual’s survival was dependent on the company, at least financially.

I’ve seen the unexpected severance package be delivered to my friends and co-workers recently, and it is difficult to watch. I’ve boldly shared this statement over the years, “[The Company] is not in business to make sure Jill Spry has a job that she loves in the town where she wants to live.” While this statement is true, the hurt, sting, and fear are also very, very real when you find yourself in this unexpected situation. I have been blessed so far in my career, but I am keenly aware of the possibility. I have faith that the Holy Creator will provide all my needs, whether through this job or another. Yet, the human side of me cries out “help my unbelief!”

There are so many areas in our lives where fear takes hold and consumes us from time to time. Even when we know, “all things work together for good for those who love the Lord” Romans 8:28. Four years ago, our youngest daughter broke her arm. Little did we know, following some test, we would be facing an aneurysmal bone cyst (tumor). Thank God, the tumor was benign, but this set the course for semi-annual, then annual x-rays to ensure there was no new presence of the bone-eating tumor, that consumed most of her humerus.

Recently, following her annual check-up in March, we left with another thumbs-up sign from the doctor. Yet, a few weeks later, we received a call from her office that radiology recommends a repeat of the x-ray in three months. With all the faith we can muster, we go this Thursday, with the expectation of another thumbs-up. But, I have to admit; the human side of me is crying to our Father, “help my unbelief.”

Our oldest daughter is making grand plans to follow her calling to work with orphans in Africa. Much planning and fund raising have already taken place. Yet, paperwork snafus have occurred and the timing is uncertain. Hearing the “call” and not being able to move full steam ahead can become disheartening at best. This calling may or may not end up looking exactly as she has envisioned. With faith in a good, good Father, she continues to make plans to go. “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief,” Mark 9:24.

In the Bible, Mark chapter 9, we read that even the disciples, those closest to Jesus, struggled from time to time with their faith. The story tells of a father with a demon-possessed son, who came to the disciples seeking healing. He likely had heard of Jesus and the disciples and all of the healings and other miracles being performed. And yet, living with his son’s struggle for many years, he likely had doubt that true healing could actually be possible.

The father brought his son to the disciples, who couldn’t cast out the demon. A crowd gathered, and Jesus came over to check out the situation. In verse 19, he rebuked their lack of faith, “You faithless people, how long must I be with you?” He then asked that the boy be brought to him. Jesus asked how long has this been happening, and the father replied, “Since he was a little boy.” The father expounded, “The spirit often throws him into the fire or into the water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”

Sound familiar? “If you can.” A friend of mine recently gave me a gift, a bracelet with a cross. Inside the cross is a tiny mustard seed. It is a constant reminder of Matthew 17:20, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Wow! Sometimes my faith must be a fourth of a mustard seed, or an eighth, or a hundredth of a mustard seed.

The story from Mark 9 continues on to share that the boy was indeed healed. The disciples later asked Jesus, “Why couldn’t we cast out that evil spirit?” And Jesus replied, “This kind can be cast out only by prayer.” (Note: some versions include fasting.)

Praying with faith isn’t always easy for me. I’d actually rather just submit my wish list, just like I have on Amazon. “God, here is how I’d like this situation to turn out, please and thank you.” Praying with faith and expectancy also must include a prayer for God’s will. I love this verse from Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

My therapist would often use a phrase with me whenever I was voicing a concern about something in the future. He’d shrug and say, “Maybe, maybe not.” My job may or may not be secure, our youngest daughter’s tumor may or may not return, and our oldest daughter’s path to an African orphanage may or may not look very different than she planned. But I know one thing is for certain, His ways are far better than mine. And for all the unexpected hurdles to come into my life, I will pray: LORD, I believe, help my unbelief.

Walk in the Light

I woke up early and enjoyed a breakfast of bacon and Belgian waffles, poolside with my husband. We prayed for a peaceful day. A time and a place where my Step Study Sisters would feel welcomed, comfortable, and safe.

I cleaned around the pool and made sure the slide, or as I refer to it, “the fountain” was running well. I strategically placed our plastic Adirondack chairs with footstools and side tables underneath the shade of the trees in the tree line to the left side of our home.  I fluffed the cushions and put them carefully on the faux wicker furniture that adorns our front porch.

Flowers were watered and candles were lit. I turned the televisions in both the den and sunroom to “The Message” satellite radio station, and turned the volume down to a background noise level. I placed my Bluetooth speaker out by the pool and tuned in my “Worship” playlist, trying to set the tone, and create quaint areas inside and outside conducive to prayer, meditation, reflection, and writing.

At my request, my husband even led our horses into their stalls, in the event that a sweet sister needed to share a hurt, habit, or hang-up in complete safety and confidence with a four-legged critter, knowing that our horses would never gossip.

Finally, food was set out and I awaited our guest. Why all these preparations? Well, you see, our Step Study Group is working on Step 4. And I wanted this day, this mini-retreat of sorts, to be a safe, comfortable and welcoming place for them to do the hard work. Working alone and independently, yet with loving sisters near-by.

Step 4: “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40 NIV

Lessons 9-11 in Book 2 are what our Ministry Leader refers to as the “pick and shovel” work. We are preparing for Step 8 as we move into the final two books of our Step Study.

Step 8: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV

Some people may wonder why on earth would we want to dig so deep into our past and bring up all of the hurts others had done to us or remind ourselves of the hurt we may have caused others. One of my favorite sayings in Celebrate Recovery sort of explains the why, “we are only as sick as our secrets.” If we have hurts, events, or emotions in our past that we never really dealt with; but rather just tucked away to forget about, odds are we really haven’t forgotten them at all, much less dealt with any of these hurts. We may have even built up resentment towards these people or events that effect our present day behaviors.

This “pick and shovel” work, this digging deep into our past, this working through our hurts allows God’s Spirit to reveal in us the things He wants us to leave behind. This act of writing it all down and then sharing it with our Sponsor, brings about the healing that James, the brother of Jesus, tells us about in James 5:16:

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

I love this verse so much. We may have already been forgiven of our hurts, habits, or hang-ups (sins), but perhaps we haven’t confessed these hurts, habits, or hang-ups to someone we trust, and therefore haven’t enjoyed the freedom that comes through healing.

I am so proud of the ladies in our Step Study Group. They came to the mini-retreat to work. They came to prepare for the healing they are about to receive as they complete Principle Four:

“Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.”

These ladies inspire me to continue to dig deep and discover any hurts I may have repressed or overlooked from my previous Step Studies. Just as the Bible is the living word, continually working through the 12-Steps and 8-Principles of Celebrate Recovery brings about the continuous healing of Jesus.

As the beloved disciple says in 1 John 1:7:

“If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, purifies us from all sin.”

A huge shout out and thank you to my Step Study Sisters for the blessings of our mini-retreat this past Saturday. Keep walking in the light my sweet sisters!