Walk in the Light

I woke up early and enjoyed a breakfast of bacon and Belgian waffles, poolside with my husband. We prayed for a peaceful day. A time and a place where my Step Study Sisters would feel welcomed, comfortable, and safe.

I cleaned around the pool and made sure the slide, or as I refer to it, “the fountain” was running well. I strategically placed our plastic Adirondack chairs with footstools and side tables underneath the shade of the trees in the tree line to the left side of our home.  I fluffed the cushions and put them carefully on the faux wicker furniture that adorns our front porch.

Flowers were watered and candles were lit. I turned the televisions in both the den and sunroom to “The Message” satellite radio station, and turned the volume down to a background noise level. I placed my Bluetooth speaker out by the pool and tuned in my “Worship” playlist, trying to set the tone, and create quaint areas inside and outside conducive to prayer, meditation, reflection, and writing.

At my request, my husband even led our horses into their stalls, in the event that a sweet sister needed to share a hurt, habit, or hang-up in complete safety and confidence with a four-legged critter, knowing that our horses would never gossip.

Finally, food was set out and I awaited our guest. Why all these preparations? Well, you see, our Step Study Group is working on Step 4. And I wanted this day, this mini-retreat of sorts, to be a safe, comfortable and welcoming place for them to do the hard work. Working alone and independently, yet with loving sisters near-by.

Step 4: “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40 NIV

Lessons 9-11 in Book 2 are what our Ministry Leader refers to as the “pick and shovel” work. We are preparing for Step 8 as we move into the final two books of our Step Study.

Step 8: “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV

Some people may wonder why on earth would we want to dig so deep into our past and bring up all of the hurts others had done to us or remind ourselves of the hurt we may have caused others. One of my favorite sayings in Celebrate Recovery sort of explains the why, “we are only as sick as our secrets.” If we have hurts, events, or emotions in our past that we never really dealt with; but rather just tucked away to forget about, odds are we really haven’t forgotten them at all, much less dealt with any of these hurts. We may have even built up resentment towards these people or events that effect our present day behaviors.

This “pick and shovel” work, this digging deep into our past, this working through our hurts allows God’s Spirit to reveal in us the things He wants us to leave behind. This act of writing it all down and then sharing it with our Sponsor, brings about the healing that James, the brother of Jesus, tells us about in James 5:16:

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

I love this verse so much. We may have already been forgiven of our hurts, habits, or hang-ups (sins), but perhaps we haven’t confessed these hurts, habits, or hang-ups to someone we trust, and therefore haven’t enjoyed the freedom that comes through healing.

I am so proud of the ladies in our Step Study Group. They came to the mini-retreat to work. They came to prepare for the healing they are about to receive as they complete Principle Four:

“Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.”

These ladies inspire me to continue to dig deep and discover any hurts I may have repressed or overlooked from my previous Step Studies. Just as the Bible is the living word, continually working through the 12-Steps and 8-Principles of Celebrate Recovery brings about the continuous healing of Jesus.

As the beloved disciple says in 1 John 1:7:

“If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, purifies us from all sin.”

A huge shout out and thank you to my Step Study Sisters for the blessings of our mini-retreat this past Saturday. Keep walking in the light my sweet sisters!

Turn, Turn, Turn

When I get to heaven I’m going to have a debate with the Apostle Paul over which of us is truly the chief sinner (1 Timothy 1:15). In case you don’t know Paul, he was a devout Jew, a Roman citizen, a Pharisee, and dedicated keeper of the law. So much so that he persecuted Christians, the early church, throwing them into prison or even having them stoned to death. He did all of this in good conscience, until the day Jesus appeared to him and then he changed. He turned away from his old way of living and became one of Christ’s biggest evangelists (read Acts 22 and 26).

Me, I have been attending church since I was three days old, baptized at the age of 13, taught Bible classes, served as a Bible camp counselor, and a host of other good works. However, I did much of this for many years without a changed heart or perhaps as a hypocrite. I was living one way on display for all to see, even telling others how they should be living, and yet I was secretly (or as far as I thought) entangled in sinful behaviors. I wore a mask for years, a façade, deeply involved in Christ-like activities in the public eye, yet living against much of what I claimed to believe. Unlike Paul, I did not do these activities in good conscience; I was full of guilt and shame. So, Paul, I win. I am the chief of all the sinners.

During a life/relationship crisis a good friend recommended I attend a CelebrateRecovery meeting. Through a Step Study, I learned that I truly needed to turn both my life and my will over to my higher power, Jesus Christ.

Step 3: “We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.”

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1 NIV

Principle3: “Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.”

Happy are the meek. Matthew 5:5a TEV

I am currently co-leading my third Step Study. During a recent meeting, one of our sisters shared a quote by Francine Rivers that fit perfectly with our Lesson 5 – Turn:

“As a child, I’d asked Jesus to be my Savior.  What I didn’t understand is I needed to surrender my life to Him and allow Him to be LORD of my life as well. “

I have learned through conversation with many that this may actually be an issue with several Christians. And may also be the reason those who claim to be of Christ have a less than stellar reputation among the unchurched. You see there is a vast difference in having a Savior and having a Lord of your life. Most of us want a Savior, a hero, to be rescued or saved, but how many of us want a Lord over our lives?

We love control! We love being in charge of our own lives, even when we choose things that aren’t so good for us or don’t turn out very well. How could we possibly turn this control over to someone else; even our perfect Savior?

This isn’t a new issue.  We read about it many times in God’s Word. There is the story of the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-23:

“And a ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother.’” And he said, “All these I have kept from my youth.” When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.”

He walked away very sad, as he decided to follow his own will instead of God’s will.

Then there is another piece of scripture we seem to want to separate. You know the one about pure religion found in James 1:27:

“Pure and undefiled religion before our ^[a God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.”

Most Christians are pretty cool with helping widows and orphans, but we don’t really want to get into the part about keeping oneself unstained by the world.

As our Step Study moves on through the material we will get to Principle 5:

Principle 5: “Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.”

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

Filled. Satisfied. Complete. Whole. Knowing that He will fulfill our every need and desire, keeps me turning in His direction every day. And as my buddy Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "you should follow my example, just as I follow Christ’s."

I'm Fine

“I’m fine!” Ever use this phrase? Avoid telling the truth about how you really are? It’s nobody’s business anyway, right? No one really wants to hear how I really am, who’s got time for that?  How many times have you used this response?

If you had asked me “how are you?” less than five years ago, I most likely would have said, “I’m fine.” And behind that, “I’m fine,” would have been a very thick mask and a solid wall to keep you far away from the truth. If you were to ask me that same question today, I might respond with, “I’m reasonably happy,” a phrase I learned from CelebrateRecovery.

We’ve all got stuff, junk, or as we call it in Celebrate Recovery: “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” You know, those things we don’t share with anyone, but respond with, “I’m fine!” when asked how we are.

A “hurt” can be anything that has, well, hurt you. Events like divorce (yours or your parents), the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, abortion, miscarriage, another negative pregnancy test, abuse, neglect, and so on can be considered a hurt.

“Habits” are the things we do sometimes to avoid dealing with the real issue. Patterns of behavior like addictions, sleep, over indulging in alcohol, self-medicating, over eating, gossiping, isolation, binge watching Netflix, video games, and the like.

A “hang-up” can be a behavior or attitude such as worry, anxiety, anger, fear, or depression. Or you may struggle with the need to control things, your finances, or other people, people pleasing (co-dependency), body image, or ever self-worth.

We all have these “hurts, habits, or hang-ups,” but most of us are in a state of denial. When people ask, “How are you?” We smile and say, “I’m fine.” We happily put on our masks, build our walls, function through our transactional relationships and go about our day-to-day routines. Those closest to us may even confront us and we deny our “hurts, habits, or hang-ups” to the point of becoming angry or even alienating those who are trying to help.

When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, we will change.

When I got to this point in my life, I found Celebrate Recovery. And when I found Celebrate Recovery, I found Jesus and a few of his genuine followers. I was ready for change. I was ready to come out of denial. I had no idea of the work I had ahead of me that night, but I just knew I couldn’t continue in my current state. My mask was just too heavy to put on another day.

Denial: de-ni-al – noun, the action of declaring something to be untrue.

Coming out of denial is Principle One of Celebrate Recovery:

“Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

“For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is right, but I cannot carry it out.” – Romans 7:18

“Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.”

“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” – Matthew 5:3

This mask I wore looked like a happy, bubbly, outgoing wife and mother. This mask I wore looked like a dedicated employee and straight “A” non-traditional student. This mask I wore looked like a Bible camp counselor and a Bible class teacher. Who would have ever guessed I was crumbling inside?

What does YOUR mask look like? Who would ever guess YOU are crumbling in side? Is YOUR pain of remaining the same becoming greater than the pain of changing?

Stay tuned for more “CR Shorts” about my journey to living authentically in Jesus through the help of CelebrateRecovery.