Turn, Turn, Turn

When I get to heaven I’m going to have a debate with the Apostle Paul over which of us is truly the chief sinner (1 Timothy 1:15). In case you don’t know Paul, he was a devout Jew, a Roman citizen, a Pharisee, and dedicated keeper of the law. So much so that he persecuted Christians, the early church, throwing them into prison or even having them stoned to death. He did all of this in good conscience, until the day Jesus appeared to him and then he changed. He turned away from his old way of living and became one of Christ’s biggest evangelists (read Acts 22 and 26).

Me, I have been attending church since I was three days old, baptized at the age of 13, taught Bible classes, served as a Bible camp counselor, and a host of other good works. However, I did much of this for many years without a changed heart or perhaps as a hypocrite. I was living one way on display for all to see, even telling others how they should be living, and yet I was secretly (or as far as I thought) entangled in sinful behaviors. I wore a mask for years, a façade, deeply involved in Christ-like activities in the public eye, yet living against much of what I claimed to believe. Unlike Paul, I did not do these activities in good conscience; I was full of guilt and shame. So, Paul, I win. I am the chief of all the sinners.

During a life/relationship crisis a good friend recommended I attend a CelebrateRecovery meeting. Through a Step Study, I learned that I truly needed to turn both my life and my will over to my higher power, Jesus Christ.

Step 3: “We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.”

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1 NIV

Principle3: “Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.”

Happy are the meek. Matthew 5:5a TEV

I am currently co-leading my third Step Study. During a recent meeting, one of our sisters shared a quote by Francine Rivers that fit perfectly with our Lesson 5 – Turn:

“As a child, I’d asked Jesus to be my Savior.  What I didn’t understand is I needed to surrender my life to Him and allow Him to be LORD of my life as well. “

I have learned through conversation with many that this may actually be an issue with several Christians. And may also be the reason those who claim to be of Christ have a less than stellar reputation among the unchurched. You see there is a vast difference in having a Savior and having a Lord of your life. Most of us want a Savior, a hero, to be rescued or saved, but how many of us want a Lord over our lives?

We love control! We love being in charge of our own lives, even when we choose things that aren’t so good for us or don’t turn out very well. How could we possibly turn this control over to someone else; even our perfect Savior?

This isn’t a new issue.  We read about it many times in God’s Word. There is the story of the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-23:

“And a ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother.’” And he said, “All these I have kept from my youth.” When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.”

He walked away very sad, as he decided to follow his own will instead of God’s will.

Then there is another piece of scripture we seem to want to separate. You know the one about pure religion found in James 1:27:

“Pure and undefiled religion before our ^[a God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.”

Most Christians are pretty cool with helping widows and orphans, but we don’t really want to get into the part about keeping oneself unstained by the world.

As our Step Study moves on through the material we will get to Principle 5:

Principle 5: “Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.”

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

Filled. Satisfied. Complete. Whole. Knowing that He will fulfill our every need and desire, keeps me turning in His direction every day. And as my buddy Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "you should follow my example, just as I follow Christ’s."

Comfortable in the Fog

The Serenity Prayer is one of my favorite tools we use in Celebrate Recovery. In fact, we say this prayer at the end of each large group meeting. My co-leader and I also use this prayer to close out our weekly Step Study group meeting. It goes like this…

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.” In Jesus Name, Amen

I’d like to highlight a few phrases from this prayer…

·      Living one day at a time

·      Enjoying one moment at a time

·      Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will

Living one day at a time…

We humans have a tendency to either live in the past or in the future. Focusing on the past causes us to frequently use the phrase “If only.” If only he/she hadn’t cheated on me, if only I hadn’t met him/her, if only my dad/mom/spouse hadn’t been an alcoholic, if only we made more money...and the list goes on.  Or we live in the future, using phrases that begin with “when.” When I: get married, have a baby, graduate, get a better job, retire, or when ball season is over, I’ll…and so on.

Enjoying one moment at a time…

Wouldn’t it be great if we would simply live our life “enjoying one moment at a time?” Whenever I do live in the moment, I experience great joy! I’m a flexible and adaptable individual, but I have to admit I sure do love a checklist! Checking tasks off my lists exhilarates me! It makes me feel accomplished! This checklist mentality, while somewhat and sometimes productive, has been damaging to my ability to experience joy in the moment. It’s something I’m continuing to work on. But oh the joy, the pure happiness I enjoy and thrive on when I can get myself zoned in on this concept of “enjoying one moment at a time.”

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will…

Here it is! The kicker! The morale and context of this blog…TRUSTING! Lack of trust is the root of all worry. We worry about things that haven’t happened yet. We worry over situations that are in the past and can’t be changed. We worry about the weather. We worry about what to wear, what to eat. We worry, worry, and worry some more; when what we really need to do is trust. Trust that God will work things out for us. Trust the He will make all things right…not as we ordered, but right. God isn’t an order taker…He is a straight path maker. His will, not ours is what we surrender to in Celebrate Recovery.

Recently, I led our closing prayer at a Celebrate Recovery TEAM meeting; I ended the prayer asking God to help us become more comfortable in the fog. A fellow team member commented on how she liked this phrase and I started thinking about how much I have used this phrase with others since starting my recovery journey. It’s a phrase that helped me in the early weeks of my journey.

I first read about the “fog” concept in one of my all-time favorite daily devotionals, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. Her entry on November 16 shares how we look at the day ahead of us as a “twisted, complicated path…going off in all directions.” Yet, when we focus on Jesus, we look once again at the path ahead of us and “notice that a peaceful fog has settled over it, obscuring our view.”  When we learn to trust in God, we also learn to trust that he will guide us in the fog. As Sarah continues, “the fog is a protection” for us “calling us back into the present moment.”

It is so easy for us to either dwell on our past, or fantasize about our future. When in reality, today is all we have. We need the fog to keep us focused on the people in front of us in this very moment. We need the fog to keep us focused on doing the next right thing. We need the fog to keep us from getting out of bounds or thinking too far into the future.

The next time the path ahead of you seems overwhelming, ask God to send the fog to protect you. Or the next time you find yourself worrying about the fog, because you have no idea where He his leading you, ask God to give you an extra helping of trust. Remember, the story of Jesus and the demon-possessed boy in Mark 9? The father explains to Jesus how the spirit often throws his son into the fire or water, trying to kill him. In verse 22 the father pleads with Jesus, “Have mercy on us and help us if you can.” To which Jesus replies, “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus continues, “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cries out in verse 24, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

I remember praying this prayer during my brief separation from my husband in November/December 2013. It was a hard time. I had no idea what was in store for us. Would we divorce? Would we reconcile? I was totally in the fog. I wasn’t exactly grateful for the fog during this time, but I have grown to have an enormous affection for the fog. Had I known how awesome my marriage would be in 2018, I quite honestly wouldn’t have believed it back in 2013. I couldn’t have handled my future reality at that moment in time. Instead, I focused on trusting that He would make all things right, as I surrendered to His will.

Life isn’t perfect and I no longer expect it to be, but it sure is good and I experience great joy most days…as long as I stay comfortable in the fog.

I'm Fine

“I’m fine!” Ever use this phrase? Avoid telling the truth about how you really are? It’s nobody’s business anyway, right? No one really wants to hear how I really am, who’s got time for that?  How many times have you used this response?

If you had asked me “how are you?” less than five years ago, I most likely would have said, “I’m fine.” And behind that, “I’m fine,” would have been a very thick mask and a solid wall to keep you far away from the truth. If you were to ask me that same question today, I might respond with, “I’m reasonably happy,” a phrase I learned from CelebrateRecovery.

We’ve all got stuff, junk, or as we call it in Celebrate Recovery: “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” You know, those things we don’t share with anyone, but respond with, “I’m fine!” when asked how we are.

A “hurt” can be anything that has, well, hurt you. Events like divorce (yours or your parents), the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, abortion, miscarriage, another negative pregnancy test, abuse, neglect, and so on can be considered a hurt.

“Habits” are the things we do sometimes to avoid dealing with the real issue. Patterns of behavior like addictions, sleep, over indulging in alcohol, self-medicating, over eating, gossiping, isolation, binge watching Netflix, video games, and the like.

A “hang-up” can be a behavior or attitude such as worry, anxiety, anger, fear, or depression. Or you may struggle with the need to control things, your finances, or other people, people pleasing (co-dependency), body image, or ever self-worth.

We all have these “hurts, habits, or hang-ups,” but most of us are in a state of denial. When people ask, “How are you?” We smile and say, “I’m fine.” We happily put on our masks, build our walls, function through our transactional relationships and go about our day-to-day routines. Those closest to us may even confront us and we deny our “hurts, habits, or hang-ups” to the point of becoming angry or even alienating those who are trying to help.

When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, we will change.

When I got to this point in my life, I found Celebrate Recovery. And when I found Celebrate Recovery, I found Jesus and a few of his genuine followers. I was ready for change. I was ready to come out of denial. I had no idea of the work I had ahead of me that night, but I just knew I couldn’t continue in my current state. My mask was just too heavy to put on another day.

Denial: de-ni-al – noun, the action of declaring something to be untrue.

Coming out of denial is Principle One of Celebrate Recovery:

“Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

“For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is right, but I cannot carry it out.” – Romans 7:18

“Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.”

“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” – Matthew 5:3

This mask I wore looked like a happy, bubbly, outgoing wife and mother. This mask I wore looked like a dedicated employee and straight “A” non-traditional student. This mask I wore looked like a Bible camp counselor and a Bible class teacher. Who would have ever guessed I was crumbling inside?

What does YOUR mask look like? Who would ever guess YOU are crumbling in side? Is YOUR pain of remaining the same becoming greater than the pain of changing?

Stay tuned for more “CR Shorts” about my journey to living authentically in Jesus through the help of CelebrateRecovery.

Significantly Insignificant

I am not a professional blogger, but I occasionally, sporadically write for my blog.
I am not a gourmet chef, but I like to cook and think I cook well.
I am not a biscuit baker, but I make a pretty awesome iron skillet of cornbread.
I am not a pastry chef or delectable dessert maker, but I strive to recreate my mother's banana pudding and red velvet cake.
I am not as good at my job as I once was, but I am a recovering work-aholic and have a much more satisfying life.
I am not a perfect wife or mother, but I have a loving, forgiving husband and some really awesome daughters.
I am not the best friend a friend could have, but I am a friend who will walk alongside you through the good and the bad, without judgment or trying to fix you.
I am not an immaculate housekeeper, but friends and family are welcomed in my home anytime, without notice.
I am not an athlete, but I like to play.
I am not a teacher by trade, but I like to share thoughts and ideas about things I've read with others.
I am not a comedian, but I love to make people laugh.

I love water. I love being in it, on it, or under it.
I love oceans, lakes, rivers, creeks, streams, pools and bathtubs.
I love chimes on my front porch, comfortable pajamas, and a good story.
I love children and old people, but they can exhaust me equally.
I love to travel to places I've never been, but am always excited to return home.
I love the smell of sun dried laundry, coffee, babies, and bread.


Sometimes I'm selfish, or scared, or sad for no real reason.
Sometimes I make bad decisions, say bad words or even say something inappropriate or crude just to get a laugh.
Sometimes I over eat, over share, or over spend.

I stopped wearing a mask, and I've never felt more free.
I stopped wearing eye makeup, and I've never been seen more clearly.
I stopped coloring my hair, just to see what happens as I age and gray naturally.
I stopped worrying about having perfect attendance at church, and started being more concerned with how I act, think, speak, spend, eat, react, talk, love, treat others, or behave every day.

I hate when I compare myself to others, or worry what they think about me.
I hate when my words come out before I think about them, and can't get them back.
I hate when I hurt my daughter's feelings or rain on her parade.
I hate lines, and traffic, and poor service, but I'm learning there are life lessons in each of those.
I hate confrontation, but prefer it deeply over sweeping things under the rug.

My waistline is bigger than I'd like, but I eat ice cream anyway.
My feet, knees and hips sometimes hurt when I run, but I run anyway.
My handwriting is atrocious, but I write handwritten notes anyway.
My parents taught me some things directly, but so much more indirectly.

I wish I could tell the difference between someone complimenting me and mocking me.
I don't wish to read minds, but I do wish I could read motives.

I question when people use words like "always" or "never" or "everybody."
I question when people are vague or blame "they" or "them," but are unwilling to identify who.
I question when people are quick to complain, but slow to confront.

I am many things and nothing.
I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, disciple, employee, in-law, aunt, niece, care giver, law breaker, sinner, and nobody.
I am significantly insignificant, and I often wonder how, or even why, God will use me.

His story is bigger than I can imagine.
His love is more than I can fathom.
His mercy, His grace extend beyond boarders and boundaries.

He makes me perfectly me, I am nothing without I AM.